How I Stop Anticipatory Grief From Stealing the Joy of Parenting
Monica Drake
| 4 min read
Since becoming a mother, I’ve become hostage to Instagram’s "mom-guilt algorithm" — an endless stream of reels that I’m convinced have the goal of making parents cry. These videos seem to be all about how fast the time with our children goes and how they'll leave us one day.
I get the intention. These videos are trying to get us to appreciate this time and stop focusing on the little inconveniences, like the meltdowns or the blowouts or the relinquished personal time. But thinking this way has done the opposite for me.
Instead of living in the moment, every time I hold my son, I think, "He won't always be this small." Whenever he runs up to hug me, I think, "He won't always be excited to see me." Whenever he wants me over everyone else, I think, "Someday, he's going to pick somebody else over me."
As someone with generalized anxiety disorder, I've always been this way – struggling to live in the present because I’m too busy thinking about the past or the future. This makes it difficult to enjoy the good times because I'm always anticipating something bad happening. I know, especially as a mom how important it is to live in the present and start appreciating the moment.
How I’m breaking the anxiety loop
First and foremost, I’m limiting the time I spend scrolling on my phone. When I put my phone down, I won't see those depressing social media posts. It's also easier to live in the moment when my face isn't constantly in a screen.
I also make sure to remind myself that grieving a future that hasn't happened yet is robbing me of the joy happening right now. I know this is easier said than done. It's like saying, "Don't picture an elephant wearing a tutu," and, of course, that's immediately what pops into your head.
Ivana Poku, founder of Mums Journey, offers some practical ways to break this mental spiral. She offers a free “Letter to Your Child” template with prompts to help you capture the little things about your kids right now and let them see how loved they were in that moment.
She also offers a helpful reality check on shifting focus back to your kids: “Remember how excited we were to grow up as kids? It was a great mixture of expectations, hopes and dreams. It’s a stage we as parents are supposed to celebrate. The moment I shifted my focus to them rather than me, a whole new world opened up.'"
Every phase of parenting brings its own magic alongside the mess. Rather than something to dread or mourn, it’s a privilege to watch them form opinions, build friendships, navigate challenges and discover who they are.
Stop dreading the 'maybes'
I've learned that it's pointless to worry about what might happen. For instance, since I was a teenager, I’ve always felt sad on my parents’ birthdays. It reminds me of the passing of time and makes me worry, “How much time do I have left with them?”
Instead, I need to be there while I can. Take the pictures, let them hang out with their grandson, listen to them and tell them how much I appreciate them. I need to be the adult child I hope my own children will be someday.
There's also no use in worrying about my son growing up and moving on. While I know he will grow up — and that's what I want for him — that doesn't mean he's leaving me. That doesn't mean I won't still be his safe harbor. The person he calls when he feels alone. The first person he calls when his plane lands at the airport. It doesn't mean I’ll stop being his best friend.
Whenever I dread my son growing up, I think about actors like Bradley Cooper or Michael B. Jordan, who frequently bring their mothers as dates to red carpet events. Or Tom Holland, who will often call his dad his hero in interviews. I think about my cousin Jason who, when named Plante Moran's managing partner, thanked his mom, my Aunt Michele, in his speech. I think about my friends, who still take annual vacations with their parents. This helps me realize that growing up doesn't have to mean growing apart. I'll always be part of my son's life, no matter how old he is.
Photo credit: Courtesy of Monica Drake
